Grieving & Coping
If you have recently lost a baby, then you are probably living through days when growth, optimism, and healing seem impossible. For you, I would like to offer hope that life will get better and you will one day be able to start healing. I urge you to try your best to look forward and to progress through your grief. Mourning the loss of your baby and grieving openly will ultimately lead to healing.
Keep in mind that making the decision to heal is a daily trial and it does take some effort and determination. Everyday you will have to remind yourself why you're journeying the path of healing and some days you may not make any progress and that's okay. Keep yourself motivated with thoughts of keeping your baby's memory alive, having more children, finding a renewed outlook on life, providing help and comfort to others or focusing on your future goals.
Every person is different. Some people need days to start healing, others months, others years. Some people find that having a support teams helps, while others find that healing is more of a solitary journey. There is not a set course you can follow, or a manual to read. Instead, you will have to find what works for you.
The important thing to remember is that it's okay to heal, just as it's okay to grieve. Grief and healing are both processes, journeys, that last lifetimes. Just as you will never stop grieving for your baby, you will never stop healing either, so don't feel rushed or discouraged. It's best if you grieve and heal at your own pace and that you do so in a healthy productive way. Healing should feel like a natural part of your grief, not an abrupt resolution. Over time grief should change forms and you should feel like you're growing through it, not like you're constantly trapped inside it. Crying, and missing your child are very normal even years later. But, consistent deep depression and feelings of guilt or anger should dissipate over the course of time. Again, there is no set timetable, but if you personally feel like your grief is overwhelming or it's causing a significant physical toll on your body, you should seek professional help.
Healing should also feel productive and slow at first. It doesn't always feel happy, but it should ultimately make you feel better. Crying and letting your natural emotions come to the surface are forms of healing, so don't assume if you are sad that you are unable to heal. Keep in mind that you will probably never be able to return to your old life, to what you used to consider "normal" and "everyday". What's important is that you find ways to cope with the loss of your baby that allow you to reach a new normal, a new way of functioning and living a healthy life.
Here are some suggestions I can offer you.
1. Seek help from others. If you find that you are depressed, physically achy, unable to sleep, losing weight rapidly, or feeling suicidal, you should consider seeing a medical professional. Ask your OB for a referral to a licensed therapist. If you are experiencing feelings of confusion, loss, loneliness, anger, or guilt, you may benefit from a local support group where you are sure to find others who feel the same way. You can ask your OB or hospital staff member, or search the internet, for the name and location of support groups for child loss and baby loss in your area. If there is not one near you, consider signing up to start one either through Faces of Loss or Compassionate Friends. Support groups are a way to meet others who have also experienced the loss of a baby or child, and also to talk about your feelings openly. You will find support from others who know exactly what you're going through. If you don't feel like sharing your story, you can go and just listen to others. It may make you feel better just to know you're not alone and that you have a lot in common with other BL parents.
2. Talk to other BL parents who experienced their loss over a year or two ago. It helps if you can talk to someone who not only knows what you're feeling now but who can tell you that it does get easier as time goes on. It may seem impossible now, but you may take comfort in knowing that most couples who experience BL, do find peace and do end up having happy lives.
3. Find activities that bring you peace, solitude and moments of reflection. For me, I found that photography, writing, going to church, going for walks alone, watching sunsets, and reading poetry all helped. It helps to escape the natural chaos of the world around you, as often times life can be overwhelming and stressful. Right now you just need to focus on taking care of yourself.
4. Set up a place in your home for your baby. It can be as big or small as you want. It can be in your living room, bedroom, the baby's nursery, a hallway, your backyard or anywhere you feel is best. Having a tangible place in your house may help you to feel your child's presence and help reinforce the truth that he's always going to be a part of your life.
5. Take some time each day to focus on everything in your life that you're thankful for. If you believe in God, taking a moment to thank Him for the blessings you have received can be a much needed break from focusing on your losses. If you don't believe in God, consider just silently reflecting on everything you do have... your spouse, your family, your other children, your health, your home, great friends, a job. It may bring you comfort to focus on your life's blessings to relieve you from the constant feeling of loss.
6. For me, praying and going to church helped. It also helped to read Scripture passages about hope, faith, suffering, loss and God's mercy. If you are not sure of your belief in God, or the loss of your child has caused you to lose faith in God, it may still help you to read the Bible to see if it brings you any peace or understanding. I recommend The One Year Book of Hope as it has several Bible passages relevant to those who have experienced a loss. Or you can ask your minister or priest for guidance, or simply just go to church. Alternatives to the Bible, are inspirational books of poetry. I like Khalil Gibran, Maya Angelou and Mary Oliver, but you can do your own search for a writer that speaks to you.
7. Avoid people who are unsupportive or insensitive. During this difficult time, the last thing you need is people who don't understand your loss, subjecting you to insensitive comments. You've suffered the worst loss imaginable... you are entitled to take as much time as you need to grieve and mourn your loss. Being around people who tell you to move on with your life or who clearly do not understand the gravity of the situation, is only going to upset you. Instead try to surround yourself by friends and family who are supportive and who make you feel better, not worse.
8. Remember your baby in special ways. Click here for a list of ideas. Studies show that having objects that remind you of your baby, help in the healing process.
Keep in mind that making the decision to heal is a daily trial and it does take some effort and determination. Everyday you will have to remind yourself why you're journeying the path of healing and some days you may not make any progress and that's okay. Keep yourself motivated with thoughts of keeping your baby's memory alive, having more children, finding a renewed outlook on life, providing help and comfort to others or focusing on your future goals.
Every person is different. Some people need days to start healing, others months, others years. Some people find that having a support teams helps, while others find that healing is more of a solitary journey. There is not a set course you can follow, or a manual to read. Instead, you will have to find what works for you.
The important thing to remember is that it's okay to heal, just as it's okay to grieve. Grief and healing are both processes, journeys, that last lifetimes. Just as you will never stop grieving for your baby, you will never stop healing either, so don't feel rushed or discouraged. It's best if you grieve and heal at your own pace and that you do so in a healthy productive way. Healing should feel like a natural part of your grief, not an abrupt resolution. Over time grief should change forms and you should feel like you're growing through it, not like you're constantly trapped inside it. Crying, and missing your child are very normal even years later. But, consistent deep depression and feelings of guilt or anger should dissipate over the course of time. Again, there is no set timetable, but if you personally feel like your grief is overwhelming or it's causing a significant physical toll on your body, you should seek professional help.
Healing should also feel productive and slow at first. It doesn't always feel happy, but it should ultimately make you feel better. Crying and letting your natural emotions come to the surface are forms of healing, so don't assume if you are sad that you are unable to heal. Keep in mind that you will probably never be able to return to your old life, to what you used to consider "normal" and "everyday". What's important is that you find ways to cope with the loss of your baby that allow you to reach a new normal, a new way of functioning and living a healthy life.
Here are some suggestions I can offer you.
1. Seek help from others. If you find that you are depressed, physically achy, unable to sleep, losing weight rapidly, or feeling suicidal, you should consider seeing a medical professional. Ask your OB for a referral to a licensed therapist. If you are experiencing feelings of confusion, loss, loneliness, anger, or guilt, you may benefit from a local support group where you are sure to find others who feel the same way. You can ask your OB or hospital staff member, or search the internet, for the name and location of support groups for child loss and baby loss in your area. If there is not one near you, consider signing up to start one either through Faces of Loss or Compassionate Friends. Support groups are a way to meet others who have also experienced the loss of a baby or child, and also to talk about your feelings openly. You will find support from others who know exactly what you're going through. If you don't feel like sharing your story, you can go and just listen to others. It may make you feel better just to know you're not alone and that you have a lot in common with other BL parents.
2. Talk to other BL parents who experienced their loss over a year or two ago. It helps if you can talk to someone who not only knows what you're feeling now but who can tell you that it does get easier as time goes on. It may seem impossible now, but you may take comfort in knowing that most couples who experience BL, do find peace and do end up having happy lives.
3. Find activities that bring you peace, solitude and moments of reflection. For me, I found that photography, writing, going to church, going for walks alone, watching sunsets, and reading poetry all helped. It helps to escape the natural chaos of the world around you, as often times life can be overwhelming and stressful. Right now you just need to focus on taking care of yourself.
4. Set up a place in your home for your baby. It can be as big or small as you want. It can be in your living room, bedroom, the baby's nursery, a hallway, your backyard or anywhere you feel is best. Having a tangible place in your house may help you to feel your child's presence and help reinforce the truth that he's always going to be a part of your life.
5. Take some time each day to focus on everything in your life that you're thankful for. If you believe in God, taking a moment to thank Him for the blessings you have received can be a much needed break from focusing on your losses. If you don't believe in God, consider just silently reflecting on everything you do have... your spouse, your family, your other children, your health, your home, great friends, a job. It may bring you comfort to focus on your life's blessings to relieve you from the constant feeling of loss.
6. For me, praying and going to church helped. It also helped to read Scripture passages about hope, faith, suffering, loss and God's mercy. If you are not sure of your belief in God, or the loss of your child has caused you to lose faith in God, it may still help you to read the Bible to see if it brings you any peace or understanding. I recommend The One Year Book of Hope as it has several Bible passages relevant to those who have experienced a loss. Or you can ask your minister or priest for guidance, or simply just go to church. Alternatives to the Bible, are inspirational books of poetry. I like Khalil Gibran, Maya Angelou and Mary Oliver, but you can do your own search for a writer that speaks to you.
7. Avoid people who are unsupportive or insensitive. During this difficult time, the last thing you need is people who don't understand your loss, subjecting you to insensitive comments. You've suffered the worst loss imaginable... you are entitled to take as much time as you need to grieve and mourn your loss. Being around people who tell you to move on with your life or who clearly do not understand the gravity of the situation, is only going to upset you. Instead try to surround yourself by friends and family who are supportive and who make you feel better, not worse.
8. Remember your baby in special ways. Click here for a list of ideas. Studies show that having objects that remind you of your baby, help in the healing process.